Reboot of Doom

Here we are, April 16, over 1/3 of the way through 2010 already.  I am revisiting my word of the year (“Metamorphosis”) and applying some of Havi’s Metaphor Mouse technique to an area where I want to see some change in my life this year.

An area I would like to grow in is that of physical activity/movement.  A close friend has taken up triathlons, and when we are able to talk in person, he tells me about his rigorous training schedule.  I am impressed by how he managed to fit in the training with everything else he has on his schedule, and I mentioned in passing that occasionally I have a desire to take my physical activity a step beyond what I already do.

He asked why I never have, opening a whole can of worms.  Weight and body image were always an issue growing up, and I always felt judged by my size and food choices.  Good was small body, small portions, the right foods.  Bad was anything else. 

But there was a mixed message in there.  Bad was also an over-developed interest in what my body looked like and what I ate.  I can still tell you the story of the one cousin who left his wife because he got into bodybuilding and became so “narcissistic” that he had no time for anyone else.  And I’m not even going into how my daughter went anorexic just as I began my weight loss journey.

Suffice it to say, there are issues.  But I still have dreams of having a body that is flexible and strong, and feeling light and un-self-conscious in it.

So where’s the problem?  I have worked out before, I even have had that body, if for a short time, in the recent past.  I have no desire to compete in a triathlon, or even a marathon (I much prefer yoga or weight-lifting to running).  But what I don’t have (what I perceive I don’t have) is discipline.

Even the word makes me cringe.  Discipline.  Dry, hard, boring, no way out, discipline.  Makes me stop dead in my tracks, better than almost anything else I know.

Enter Metaphor Mouse.  Havi asks, “What are the qualities, aspects and attributes of the thing” both those that aren’t working and those that are?

Discipline=

• judgmental
• imposed from the outside
• have to (“should”)
• serious
• humorless
• inflexible
• punishment
• routine
• boring
• duty
• no options
• joyless
• dry
• better than
• rigid (same as inflexible?)

Looking at this list, about the only thing I find working for me is “routine”, in the good way of “do a little every day and see big results over time” (with a slight problem at “over time”).  What bothers me most is the lack of humor/joy, lack of flexibility and the judgmentalism inherent in the word.

What qualities I am looking for/are missing=

• fun
• flexibility
• freedom
• reward
• choice
• freedom
• sovereignty
• acceptance (opposite of judgmental, maybe encouragement?)

I am having a hard time coming up with a different word, but I found this link, also at Havi’s blog, and one of the words/phrases that pops up for “sovereignty” is “self-determination”.

It’s not quite a metaphor, but it works for the moment. It contains the qualities of flexibility and choice that are missing from “discipline”, and returns the power to me, which is what the “d” word kept me from seeing.

Here’s to Self-Determination!

Before and After

A lot of people on the web and beyond are talking about the changes we have seen in our world and ourselves since the calendar rolled over to the year 2000.  I have been surprised as I take stock of the changes in my own life, and pleased to see the progress I have made in many areas, including fulfilling a 20 year dream to have a work included in the prestigious Quilt National exhibit, to win a major award with my artwork, and to become a Lark designer.

However, looking at the many things which have happened in my life during the past ten years, the most profound is the change in my physical body.

This is me in 1998, working on a piece at Susan Shie’s Turtle Art Camp.  I weighed around 240 pounds, down a little from my peak of 249 pounds on a 5’1” frame.

And this is me in November of 2009, from the photo shoot for the Athens News Annual Manual, approximately 100 pounds lighter.

I didn’t have surgery, and didn’t do the grueling program I see contestants go through on The Biggest Loser. I did begin in the summer of 2001 because I had a contract to teach at ArtFest in Seattle, and wanted to comfortably fit into the airplane seat, but other than that, I did it for me.  It  took a combination of learning to eat better, learning to move more, and great determination to shop at fun places like Old Navy.  It took me four years to lose that much weight, and it was hard won, but like all things worth the having, it was worth the wait.  I couldn’t have done it without the constant support of my family, who listened when I cried because it was taking so long, and cheered me as I moved down the scale.

It was easy for me  to discount the accomplishment because it did take so long that it never really felt like a huge dramatic change.  I’d spend months in the same ten pound range, but slowly my body changed. I think the process provides a great example of how even small steps can lead to a long journey, as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

If I did it, you can too.  In later posts, I will write more about the process, but for now I just wanted to emphasize that many resolutions are made at this time of year, and many are broken because maybe progress isn’t immediately obvious, and it is easy to become discouraged. It doesn’t have to be losing weight, it could be starting your own business, writing a novel, quitting smoking, going back to school.  Find a friend, a support group, make a determination that the change you want will happen, and then keep at it.  You can do it.  What you need is in you, and you will be surprised at what you find in yourself during the process.

In the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in,” and you will see results.