Reboot of Doom

Here we are, April 16, over 1/3 of the way through 2010 already.  I am revisiting my word of the year (“Metamorphosis”) and applying some of Havi’s Metaphor Mouse technique to an area where I want to see some change in my life this year.

An area I would like to grow in is that of physical activity/movement.  A close friend has taken up triathlons, and when we are able to talk in person, he tells me about his rigorous training schedule.  I am impressed by how he managed to fit in the training with everything else he has on his schedule, and I mentioned in passing that occasionally I have a desire to take my physical activity a step beyond what I already do.

He asked why I never have, opening a whole can of worms.  Weight and body image were always an issue growing up, and I always felt judged by my size and food choices.  Good was small body, small portions, the right foods.  Bad was anything else. 

But there was a mixed message in there.  Bad was also an over-developed interest in what my body looked like and what I ate.  I can still tell you the story of the one cousin who left his wife because he got into bodybuilding and became so “narcissistic” that he had no time for anyone else.  And I’m not even going into how my daughter went anorexic just as I began my weight loss journey.

Suffice it to say, there are issues.  But I still have dreams of having a body that is flexible and strong, and feeling light and un-self-conscious in it.

So where’s the problem?  I have worked out before, I even have had that body, if for a short time, in the recent past.  I have no desire to compete in a triathlon, or even a marathon (I much prefer yoga or weight-lifting to running).  But what I don’t have (what I perceive I don’t have) is discipline.

Even the word makes me cringe.  Discipline.  Dry, hard, boring, no way out, discipline.  Makes me stop dead in my tracks, better than almost anything else I know.

Enter Metaphor Mouse.  Havi asks, “What are the qualities, aspects and attributes of the thing” both those that aren’t working and those that are?

Discipline=

• judgmental
• imposed from the outside
• have to (“should”)
• serious
• humorless
• inflexible
• punishment
• routine
• boring
• duty
• no options
• joyless
• dry
• better than
• rigid (same as inflexible?)

Looking at this list, about the only thing I find working for me is “routine”, in the good way of “do a little every day and see big results over time” (with a slight problem at “over time”).  What bothers me most is the lack of humor/joy, lack of flexibility and the judgmentalism inherent in the word.

What qualities I am looking for/are missing=

• fun
• flexibility
• freedom
• reward
• choice
• freedom
• sovereignty
• acceptance (opposite of judgmental, maybe encouragement?)

I am having a hard time coming up with a different word, but I found this link, also at Havi’s blog, and one of the words/phrases that pops up for “sovereignty” is “self-determination”.

It’s not quite a metaphor, but it works for the moment. It contains the qualities of flexibility and choice that are missing from “discipline”, and returns the power to me, which is what the “d” word kept me from seeing.

Here’s to Self-Determination!

Wishcasting Wednesday

Every Wednesday Jamie Ridler of Jamie Ridler Studios asks a question on her blog, in the form of “what do you wish for?”.  She invites people to answer the question at their blog, to be tenders of wishes at others’ blogs.

This week the question is “How do you wish to bloom?”

When I was growing up and I would complain about my circumstances, location, etc, I would often be told “Bloom where you are planted.”  Eyerolls and sighs would follow, especially during the teenage years, but with time and experience I see that the advice wasn’t as dumb as it seemed to me then.

This year’s word has been Metamorphosis, and I am working on blooming where I am planted.  I have been taking the circumstances and resources I currently have at my disposal, and have been working on transforming them into something to support my life.  I may not physically move from this area, but I wish to grow beyond my self-imposed limitations and become more than I have been.

I wish to bloom my art and career, to get my work out to more of the world and see where it will take me.  I wish to bloom myself, to nurture my body with regular movement, good foods and rest.  I wish to bloom my relationships with others, by working on my communication skills and listening more and speaking less.

Today was a really good day for this question, as it is sunny and warm outside, with many of the spring trees and flowers in full bloom.  My yard is filled with the violets I love so much, and the trees are starting to fill out with wild green leaves.  It is also my birthday, a good time to reflect on what has passed and to look forward to what is to come.

Years of Experience

Years of experience have taught me that opportunities come from where you least expect them, and they come when you are not expecting them.  Paying it forward and karma are never lateral actions, the good you do does come back, but never in the way you expect.

Take, for example, the massive show prep I put out over the last month.  I was hoping for, expecting, intending, a great show, to sell the wonderful work I’ve been creating.  To touch people and speak to them through my art.

Well, I did get the speak to people part.  But I only sold one piece, and that was to another artist at the event.

I came home disappointed, sad, and yes, a little crushed.  I indulged in a little pajama-moping time, and let myself take a few minutes from the constant go-go-go of creating work and marketing work and breathing work.

And I remembered the many times I’d gotten the rejection letter from Quilt National, and how those same pieces of work had gone on to other shows, winning multiple awards in several cases.  How not getting jobs had worked out to free me to visit family, or to be available for other opportunities which were even better.

I didn’t do the usual beating myself up over prices, because no one even looked at the prices, so that couldn’t have been it.  I told myself I made some great connections with local women artists who I’ve vaguely known over the years, and got to know them a little better.  Connection is always good.  I read the new Mercy Thompson novel.

I took Friday and Saturday, and then I posted the work to my Etsy shop. I kept moving, and I fully expect something better to come along.

Here are some pictures of some of the work I posted:

 

 

I will let you know when that something better comes along.  Until then, I leave you with this:

Almost There

Almost Heaven, West Virginia.  Well, on Thursday, anyway.  We leave bright and early for a quick and fun trunk show and presentation.  I have been in the studio madly putting finishing touches on some pieces to take along, and today I set up some of them to see how they’d look.

  

To see how it could look, I used some wooden boxes I picked up at a photographer’s yard sale, as well as some wine boxes my mom bought for me back in her yard saling days.  This enabled the work to be raised up and therefore more visible.  The fabric is a piece of yardage from my at-home dye party last summer.  I painted it using Setacolour fabric paints and the speckled pattern came from sprinkling the wet fabric with chunky salt and letting it dry in the sun.

A detail of some of the images.  You can see the frames I bought at Dollar Tree to use for the larger collages, and the little easels I found at JoAnn that were just right for displaying the small 4” x 4” canvas collages.

The smaller pieces are beaded brooches left over from my beading days.  You can see one of the free-hanging recycled collages in the foreground, and the wire and bead hanger I attached using scrapbook grommets.  You can see one of the mini quilts in the background, attached to its canvas.  I’m really happy with how those are turning out.

Finally, another view of extra pieces.  I also have a half shutter door that I am going to use to hang pieces from, I think using mini bulldog clips and fishing line, but I need to test that out next.  So far I am really excited about how these pieces are coming together, from the colors I’m using to make them to the process of attaching the images onto the frames.  I was so happy when I found out the mini easels would work with the smaller canvases.  They will be included with purchase to make it easier to display the work, always an important consideration when selling artwork.

Tomorrow I will put finishing touches on pieces.  I ordered business cards from MOO.com and they arrived last week.  I’m going to make color copies of the informational side and attach them to the back of each piece in addition to the price.  I have two more quilts to sew to canvases, and the duck collage that is in this display needs some embellishment.  I think that will be about it, and any extras that come home will go up on my Etsy shop over the weekend, at least until the next show.

Doubling Down

Our Parkersburg show is three weeks from tomorrow and more prep is well underway.

First, the design wall, with all of the completed small works up to this point in 2010.

You may notice that Alice has the pink African brocade binding that I put on yesterday.

Now, on to the canvas prep:

The little screen is a Print Gocco I made of a school of fish last summer.  I’m planning on putting them on several of the canvases.  You can see my favorite Golden paint colors, Cobalt Teal, Pyrrole Red, and Green Gold in this picture.

Painting and decorating supplies, including my favorite Elephant brush (blue handle), several stamps I carved, a roll of sequin waste for texture, and the paint cup which looks like it has Strawberry Quik in it (mmmm).

Here’s one of the canvases, after a base coat of pink, with sequin waste stencil and stamping.  I’m going to go back in and touch up the red spots after the piece has dried.  This is the background for the tulip quilt I posted last week.

I also am making some paper for collage:

This is the inexpensive contractor’s paper that comes in big rolls at places like Lowe’s and Home Depot.  I put down a base coat of gesso, let that dry while I was working on the canvases, then came back and painted it with a coat of yellow.  Then I stenciled using the sequin waste and Cobalt Teal.

When that dried, I used this leather texturing tool (also from Lowe’s) and Quinacridone Burnt Orange to add another layer of texture.  Once this is dry, I may go in with the fish screen or use the carved stamps to add more designs.

And finally, I came across these canvases in process while looking in the art supply room (aka the upstairs bathroom) for more texturing tools:

Yummy sushi fabric, multiple layers of acrylic paint, including the leather texture tool, and then a layer of modeling paste, applied through a piece of window screening.  Izzy is making me a plate of polymer sushi for the center piece, I am still deciding what to do with the other two.

That’s enough chatting for now, time to get back in the studio!

Alice in Finishland

After about a month and a half of on and off work:

Basic line drawing on felted background.

Everything but the pinafore and sleeve.

The stitching is finished.  My fingers are sore and I have watched all of season two of Torchwood and the series ending Children of Earth series, eaten dinner from a box and let the housework slide (oh who am I kidding on that one, the housework always gets to slide except when company is coming), but the stitching is finished.
Now I get to go through my stash and look for backing and binding fabrics.  I probably will go with pink, if I have enough yardage in the right color.  And I think there may be mother of pearl button details on the pinafore ruffles.
Just in time for the opening of Alice in Wonderland this week!

NVC in Practice

Yesterday I received an anonymous comment on the blog in regards to my list of 100 Things to Do in 2010.  The tone of the comment was less than friendly, and while I can agree to disagree, I felt that this comment added nothing to the discussion, and since this is my sandbox, I chose to delete it. 

If such an event had happened to me last year, I may have taken up the fight in the comments.  I would most likely have been hurt, and possibly have even edited the post in response to what was said.  It’s even possible that I would have taken a hiatus from putting anything on the blog for a while, and retreated back into the safe comfort of my living room.

However, doing that would not have helped me.  And I would not be able to share my process of applying the principles of NVC to my response to the comment.

In Chapter One of Non Violent Communication, Mr. Rosenberg outlines the four steps to take when engaging in a dialogue:

1. Observation.  What is being said or done that you like or don’t like?

2. State how you feel in relation to what you’ve observed.

3.What need is being met or isn’t being met because of the action you’ve observed?

4.What specific action can you ask for that will meet that need?

With these four steps in mind, I present the comment (“C”, the pertinent passages) and my response (“M”):

C: “How could you get stuck on feeding Koi? Surely fish feed is not expensive where you live??”

M: 1: “How could you get stuck”  2:Feels accusatory, and also I did not say that I felt stuck on feeding koi, just that that was number 38 on my list, 3: doesn’t meet my need for feeling understood and 4: I could ask that the commenter re-read my post to see that I did not say I felt stuck about the items on the list, rather the stuck was in making the items on the list. 

The commenter goes on to give a suggestion for how to feed koi without spending any money.  It’s actually a good suggestion (go to a local shop that sells koi and ask to feed them) and I probably would have left the comment up if that had been the only paragraph.  I also would have commented on how we have a local succulent greenhouse with a koi pond, and that I could drive out there this spring and do just what s/he suggested.

C: “It's silly to waste time drawing pretty lines around a goal like "Gain 10lbs of muscle" when I could use that time to actually work towards my goals.”

M: 1. “It’s silly to waste time drawing pretty lines” 2: feels judgmental, uses judgmental language “silly” ,“waste” 3. makes me feel defensive 4: and I don’t think an ask would get a result from an anonymous commenter (hey, I have said I am practicing).

I could say something like “I’m sorry that you feel it is a waste of time.”   I could ask “How do you keep track of what you want to accomplish?”  This would acknowledge that this person’s process is different than mine without making any judgment about the different ways we go about doing things. 

Applying the steps, and responding thoughtfully to what was said made today’s blog post possible, in more ways than one.  Thank you, Anonymous Commenter.

I don’t pretend that I have a full grasp on the process, and I’m sure I probably got some of the steps wrong, but that is why I am blogging it here each week, to help myself get a better understanding of how it works and how to apply it in all of my communications.  I invite you to pick up a copy of the book and read along. 

First, Let’s Fire all of the Hamsters

Three of the pages in Goddess Leonie’s 2010 Workbook and Planner are set aside to make a list of 100 Things to Do in 2010.  They can be fun, goofy, serious, playful, whatever you can imagine wanting to do during the coming year.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  It is, especially with each number whimsically drawn and colored, the pages are so enticing. It makes me happy to just look at the pretty numbers.

I am stuck on number 38 (feed koi).

While part of me knows that I don’t have to have the whole list filled out at once, and to be honest, part of me is dragging my feet so that I don’t rush through the process, I also know part of me is afraid to put some things that I may really want to do this year.

Afraid that I won’t get to do it.

Afraid that I will.

While deep inside, the little hamster who is constantly runningrunningrunning on the wheel that is my brain is yelling,  “You can’t do that, where are you going to get the MONEY to do that? Why bother even writing it down?”

And that is one reason I am stuck at number 38. 

Many of the things on my list contain the word “make” or “sell”.

I don’t want all of the things on the list to contain those words.  And yet I know there are things I want to create this year (and hey, maybe “Create” would be a better choice than “Make”, sounds a bit more lofty and maybe a bit less money grubbing) and I know that selling things that I made created helps to keep the family running, which is very important to me.

But I think the big block to filling the list is that anything which does not involve either of those words feels a bit like slacking to me.  Like I’m not taking my responsibilities seriously.  Again with the hamster:  “How can you think of having FUN when there are bills to be paid? Never mind how can you pay for something like “have a spa day”, you don’t have time to even take a “spa day” because there is work to be done first.”

I know that I am more productive overall if I allow some “me” or “fun” time to happen.  I know that my weekly day off results in lots of work the next day because I get itchy to be doing something.  I need to bring this knowledge into the space where I am making my list.  It is not only ok to have fun, it is necessary to overall happiness and, dare I say it, bliss.

I think maybe the hamster could use a vacation.

#39 Buy Hamster a ticket to Hawaii

How about you? Is anyone else working with this planner?  How is your list coming along?

Before and After

A lot of people on the web and beyond are talking about the changes we have seen in our world and ourselves since the calendar rolled over to the year 2000.  I have been surprised as I take stock of the changes in my own life, and pleased to see the progress I have made in many areas, including fulfilling a 20 year dream to have a work included in the prestigious Quilt National exhibit, to win a major award with my artwork, and to become a Lark designer.

However, looking at the many things which have happened in my life during the past ten years, the most profound is the change in my physical body.

This is me in 1998, working on a piece at Susan Shie’s Turtle Art Camp.  I weighed around 240 pounds, down a little from my peak of 249 pounds on a 5’1” frame.

And this is me in November of 2009, from the photo shoot for the Athens News Annual Manual, approximately 100 pounds lighter.

I didn’t have surgery, and didn’t do the grueling program I see contestants go through on The Biggest Loser. I did begin in the summer of 2001 because I had a contract to teach at ArtFest in Seattle, and wanted to comfortably fit into the airplane seat, but other than that, I did it for me.  It  took a combination of learning to eat better, learning to move more, and great determination to shop at fun places like Old Navy.  It took me four years to lose that much weight, and it was hard won, but like all things worth the having, it was worth the wait.  I couldn’t have done it without the constant support of my family, who listened when I cried because it was taking so long, and cheered me as I moved down the scale.

It was easy for me  to discount the accomplishment because it did take so long that it never really felt like a huge dramatic change.  I’d spend months in the same ten pound range, but slowly my body changed. I think the process provides a great example of how even small steps can lead to a long journey, as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

If I did it, you can too.  In later posts, I will write more about the process, but for now I just wanted to emphasize that many resolutions are made at this time of year, and many are broken because maybe progress isn’t immediately obvious, and it is easy to become discouraged. It doesn’t have to be losing weight, it could be starting your own business, writing a novel, quitting smoking, going back to school.  Find a friend, a support group, make a determination that the change you want will happen, and then keep at it.  You can do it.  What you need is in you, and you will be surprised at what you find in yourself during the process.

In the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in,” and you will see results.